you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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