pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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