The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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