I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The Olympian is in my bed
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
