Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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