My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
