I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
