I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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