I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
