This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Please don't give away my fajitas
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
