nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
