My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
