Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
