I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
