note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
