just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
