we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
