The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
