The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize