Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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