What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
