god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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