This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
