It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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