Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
