Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize