trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
