Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
