Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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