So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
