There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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