UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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