i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Randomize
