My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Sober January is a disaster.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Randomize
