oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
