I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
