im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
