Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
