So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
