Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
