First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
