He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
