FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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