How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
