I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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