True but thats because hes a fetus.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
