I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
