woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
