Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
