oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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