the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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