He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
