yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
dude. I can hear the air.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
