well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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