Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I touched a dick in church today
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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