No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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