Is it because I queefed?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
