y did u give ur computer a hand job?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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