i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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