you didnt know i had herpes?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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