I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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