why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
