I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
