i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
