First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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