I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
