Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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