Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
