so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
